So many people ask me things about BDSM! Sometimes they are just curious, sometimes they want advice about and need help to cope with their own BDSM fantasies and desires. Here are some of the questions I have been asked and the answers I gave to them.
Q: I have recently become involved with a very intelligent and extremely attractive BDSM Mistress, and I think I am probably as much in love with her as I am attracted by the glamour and appeal of what she does. For her part, I know that she considers our relationship to be straightforwardly professional. My question is, is it better to try to keep my feelings completely to myself, which may be extremely difficult or even impossible, or to admit them to her, hoping that she will understand that I am not trying to impose on her but that I am simply in the grip of powerful feelings that I cannot entirely control? Or is it always fatal to the relationship for the client to become emotionally involved with his Mistress? Do Dommes often get this problem?
A: The short answer to your main question is yes, it is usually fatal. If your feelings are as strong as you say your Mistress is bound to become aware of them eventually, and probably is aware of them already. She will undoubtedly hope that you can control yourself and that you will not allow your feelings to become obsessive. The more you keep them to yourself the more she will respect you. My advice to you is to stay cool and keep things light – it will be hard for you, but you risk losing her altogether if you start to worry her.
Do dommes often get this problem? Yes! At least, I do …
Q: I am in a deeply submissive relationship with my BDSM Mistress, and my first wish is to please her. So although I have strong masochistic tendencies I cannot ask her directly to treat me exactly as I would like her to, because her own needs and pleasures come first, as they must in such a relationship. Nonetheless, I fantasize strongly about what could happen between us – extreme breath control, severe CP and CBT that take me far beyond my limits, multiple Domme sessions during which she arranges for others to abuse me while she looks on, and so on. I would love to enact these fantasies with her, but my fear is that she might not enjoy them and might even find the idea of some of them repugnant. My question is, how far can or should I go in telling her about my dream fantasies, when to do so could possibly jeopardize our whole relationship?
A: Not a problem to talk about provided that you do not present your fantasies as intransigent demands that your Mistress must satisfy.
You must realize that there are two people in a Domme/sub relationship and the needs of both must be considered, even though (if she is a professional Mistress) you will probably be paying for your time with her. Put another way, even a professional Domme can only do the things she is comfortable with.
In your case, since you are deeply submissive you should not expect her to do anything and everything that you would like – you can only hope that your fantasies appeal to her as well as you. If some of your fantasies are so powerful that you simply must have them enacted, my advice is to go to another Domme for those that your own Mistress is unhappy with – she may even encourage you to do that!
Q: I have strong fetishes about tight latex, leather, stiletto-heeled boots and shoulder-length gloves. Is it reasonable for me to ask my Mistress always to wear these things during our sessions, or is it likely that she will consider my request to be a form of “topping from the bottom”? How far will you yourself go to accommodate the fetishes of your clients?
A: As in every other personal relationship, moderation and mutual respect are crucially important. By all means let her know that these things are important for you, but do not expect her to be dressed for a fetish photo session every time you see her. On the other hand, if she can never be bothered to please you in this way, she probably doesn’t care whether you continue sessioning with her or not, so my advice would be to find a Mistress who does.
As for me, I enjoy and share all the fetishes you mention and I love to wear sexy and stylish things. You should remember, however, that practicality is as important for me as it is for anyone else. I cannot get in and out of a latex catsuit or a tight-laced basque in a flash, and some things are simply too uncomfortable to wear for hours at a time.
Q: I would love to watch my Mistress dealing with other clients in her dungeon, and I would also greatly enjoy having an audience myself, although if males were present I would want both them and myself to be hooded. Is this a common fantasy? Do you have clients who like watching or being watched, and if so would it be worth discussing it with my own Mistress?
A: It is a common fantasy to want to watch, less common but not entirely unusual to want to be watched. Of course, your Mistress may not want you to watch her dealing with her other clients, even if they themselves do not mind. I myself consider my relationship with each client to be totally private between us and have never allowed the sort of client voyeurism you want. But there’s no harm in asking!
Q: How can I encourage my girlfriend to explore her dominant side and to dominate me?
A: You should be sensitive and thoughtful about showing another person the joy of Female Domination and do not rush to make them share it with you. Remember that your own desires are likely to have developed over many hours of fantasy and visual stimulation, probably heightened by the extremes you can find on the internet. For example, if your girlfriend has never eaten spicy food, it is unlikely that she will immediately enjoy the very hottest curries. Similarly, you should not expect her to become a cruel dominant bitch overnight, however much you might be frustrated that she isn’t.
If your partner has no experience of BDSM and FemDom she could be made to feel insecure if you come on too strong with your fetish desires from the beginning, and she may fear that you love those things more than her. So don’t jump right in. Instead, focus on being her submissive. Do things for her, massage her feet, perform little tasks for her. In your lovemaking, ensure that you focus on her pleasure and not only tell her that she is your Goddess, but make her feel it. Make her the centre of your world, while you slowly introduce the costumes and symbols of fetish and domination to heighten the experience. Most women love leather, so a pair of top quality leather gloves or boots will make her feel sexy and powerful. Then perhaps buy her some latex panties to wear secretly for you during the day. It is becoming more mainstream now with shops like Agent Provocateur stocking many near-fetish items.
Slowly she will associate these things with having sex and feeling good, and she will be the one wearing them for your lovemaking without having to be asked. And all this time, little by little, you can introduce your feelings about serving women and pleasing them. Talk to her and find out what she feels about it and encourage her to satisfy any curiosity she may have about men who feel like you. With luck, over time she will be beguiled by the world of fetish and domination just like you have been and realize that for her it is a win-win situation. She will have a devoted boyfriend and she will be a sensual, sexy Goddess who will get every possible pleasure from learning to be a female dominant. Soon she will be ahead of you and wondering why you are not a good enough slave……..
Q: Is it realistic to live BDSM as a lifestyle with my partner and can we make it 24/7?
A: Many men fantasise about living a 24/7 lifestyle serving a Mistress, although few are truly prepared for what that might actually mean for them or their partner. All of us are forced to live with our reality and so there will always be a role for fantasy. It not only frees us from the restrictions of daily life, but the good thing is it can start to become our reality, making it more vibrant and fulfilling. Rather than worrying about how many hours per week you are spending under her feet in a domination scenario, worry about how you can please your Mistress and how you can best serve and worship her. Make the time when you are submitting to her the most exciting and sensually charged time you can. Obey her every word and submit totally to her. Over time you will probably both find that you want to be spending more and more of your time with her dominating you and who knows, 24/7 may eventually become your reality.
Q: Do I like BDSM because of something bad that happened in my childhood and does that mean that somehow it is wrong?
A: There are many reasons why people are interested in BDSM. I know that people sometimes say that if you were beaten as a child, that makes you want to be beaten as an adult in sex play and the like. My experience is that BDSM lovers are not mentally scarred people trying to come to terms with bad things that happened in the past. Their interest may well have stemmed from something in their childhood, such as playing with their mother’s shiny boots or PVC raincoats, or maybe being excited by the evil queen in TV fairy tales, but it has now become something that excites them physically and emotionally as an adult, long after childish years have passed. Domination makes a lot of sense in the relationship dynamic. It relies on devoting yourself to someone else and considering their needs and desires as much as or more than your own. So stop thinking about what could be wrong with BDSM and embrace it. It will bring you intense pleasure and enjoyment.
Q: I’m interested in fetish and female Domination, but am a little put off by the impression often given in the press that the people who are into BDSM are quite strange. Can you help?
A: Well, the first thing is to ask yourself whether you think you are strange. I am sure you will think you are not. There are many people just like you, who realize once they explore their fetishes that there is nothing strange about them at all. Many of my worshippers lead very well-balanced and responsible lives and hold down important and demanding jobs. They are emotionally mature, and are also comfortable about living out their desires. People in the BDSM scene are an exciting and lively bunch from all walks of life, who are also not afraid to express themselves and live in a way that is unusual but perfectly valid, and maybe is more fulfillling than what the media would have you believe is the “normal” way of life. As I have said in other answers, many people in the scene are highly intelligent and caring individuals. In fact to get the most from Domination, both parties need to be caring, compassionate, thoughtful and giving. You yourself are probably more considerate and thoughtful than those who would ignorantly call you strange because of what you want. That is not to say that you will like everybody you meet in the scene, or that they will like you, but you will find that they are all tolerant, which is more than can be said of much of society. Some people and places are better than others – we are all human after all, but the rules of safe, sane, consensual BDSM create a structure for all of us in the world of BDSM which lets us get along with each other and allows us to have fulfilling and hugely enjoyable experiences in our lives.
I particularly liked this question, especially since the questioner also gave the answer!
Q: Why do I yearn to be dominated by Goddess Alexia?
A: Because she is the very peak of sensual femininity and beauty, who also looks absolutely stunning in latex. She is a divine fetish queen, comfortable with her dominant nature and skilled at training her worshippers. She will understand why you crave and thirst for female domination, will explain to you how and why it is the natural and necessary order of things, and knows that you will only find true happiness under her feet.